“Come on over, baby… whole lotta’ shakin’ goin’ on…”
I’m sure Jerry Lee wasn’t quite thinking of me when he was writing this song.
But he’s describing me to a “T” of late.
You see, I have generalized anxiety disorder.
Actually, I’ve had it for at least 7 or 8 years.
The way I used to describe it was “feeling stuck.”
Oh, you didn’t realize I had it? Well, that’s because I try very hard not to let on that I do.
This constant internal feeling of shaking — “buzzing” like I have a cellphone in my pocket,
chest heavy and tight…throat, arms, and shoulders tense.
Afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of another panic attack, constant worry about the safety of my husband (a law enforcement officer) and whether or not I’ll see him walk through the door at the end of the day, trying to navigate the murky and often uncharted waters of (step) parenting a ‘tween and a teen, and wondering if the aches and pains I’m having are signs of something even more worse — like a stroke, brain tumor, MS…
Why can’t I be in more control of my body and mind?
Where the HELL did this come from?
I’m ashamed… and I’m angry. And exhausted.
I’m in week three of seeing a counselor. I believe it’s helping.
The counselor says it could get worse before it gets better.
Awesome, huh? Can’t wait.
In the meantime, I’m trying to grab onto any little bit of hope I can find — Louise Hay, Nick Ortner, Dr. Bruce Lipton, Doreen Virtue. EFT/Tapping. Mindfulness. I took my first yoga class last Saturday. My chiropractor is helping to bring relief to my neck and back/posture issues.
I’ll bet you’re thinking, “Why isn’t she taking meds?”
Here’s my answer.
It’s about control… or the loss of it. I can’t explain it, but after listening to those pharmaceutical commercials with all the horrible side-effects that, to me, seem to far outweigh the benefits, well, I’d rather find an alternative solution. I don’t want to take meds simply to “mask” the symptoms.
I want to be able to get to the “root” of the problem that’s causing the anxiety in the first place.
It ain’t fun, people…it truly sucks.
Can anyone out there relate to this?