Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ on…

“Come on over, baby… whole lotta’ shakin’ goin’ on…”
I’m sure Jerry Lee wasn’t quite thinking of me when he was writing this song.

But he’s describing me to a “T” of late.

You see, I have generalized anxiety disorder.
Actually, I’ve had it for at least 7 or 8 years.
The way I used to describe it was “feeling stuck.”
Oh, you didn’t realize I had it?  Well, that’s because I try very hard not to let on that I do.

This constant internal feeling of shaking — “buzzing” like I have a cellphone in my pocket,
chest heavy and tight…throat, arms, and shoulders tense.
Twenty-four seven.

Afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of another panic attack, constant worry about the safety of my husband (a law enforcement officer) and whether or not I’ll see him walk through the door at the end of the day, trying to navigate the murky and often uncharted waters of (step) parenting a ‘tween and a teen, and wondering if the aches and pains I’m having are signs of something even more worse — like a stroke, brain tumor, MS…

Why can’t I be in more control of my body and mind?
Where the HELL did this come from?
I’m ashamed… and I’m angry.  And exhausted.

I’m in week three of seeing a counselor.  I believe it’s helping.
The counselor says it could get worse before it gets better.

Awesome, huh?  Can’t wait.

In the meantime, I’m trying to grab onto any little bit of hope I can find — Louise Hay, Nick Ortner, Dr. Bruce Lipton, Doreen Virtue. EFT/Tapping.  Mindfulness.  I took my first yoga class last Saturday.  My chiropractor is helping to bring relief to my neck and back/posture issues.

I’ll bet you’re thinking, “Why isn’t she taking meds?”
Here’s my answer.

It’s about control… or the loss of it.  I can’t explain it, but after listening to those pharmaceutical commercials with all the horrible side-effects that, to me, seem to far outweigh the benefits, well, I’d rather find an alternative solution.  I don’t want to take meds simply to “mask” the symptoms.

I want to be able to get to the “root” of the problem that’s causing the anxiety in the first place.

It ain’t fun, people…it truly sucks.
Can anyone out there relate to this?



The Granting of Permission

What would you do…

LMD BookIf the simple act of reading a book opened doors of possibility and healing beyond that which you ever imagined?

If that book helped spark a desire to help others who share the same life experiences and losses as you did?

If you secretly wished, deep in your heart, to meet the author one day and share your story with her?

If the author asked her readers to submit their “stories,” and for once, you heard that still, small voice loudly say, “DO IT. Send her your story right now.”


Hope's NoteIf, several weeks later, you received an email from the author, asking for permission to use your story in her next book?

If you connected with another person who experienced your same loss and offered the support and encouragement in pursuing that goal of helping others?

If you began to share your story… and people from all over the world began to read it and respond?


Hope and I


If you learned that author/mentor was going to be coming to your state, and that she welcomed the opportunity to meet with you?

If, after 36 years of feeling alone in the journey, you entered a roomful of other women – your long lost “sisters” who had endured that very same journey – and in that instant, you felt as if you had finally come home?



Macchu PiccuIf you were presented an opportunity to experience something so potentially life-changing that it scared the complete hell out of you to even imagine yourself doing it?

If you knew that it would force you to climb out of that safe little box you’ve lived in all of your life and challenge you to go places, both physically and emotionally, that would stretch your comfort zone to the limit?



If your daily work gets pushed aside by visions of walking ancient paths and hearing the sound of your heart as it beats in time with the rhythm of your steps…and the steps of those who have made the same journey?

If you knew that you would try to find any reason possible as to why you couldn’t… why you shouldn’t take this opportunity?

If you were afraid to ask permission from the only person who needed to give it?


Would you give yourself permission?